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So, sexual-massage—man, it’s chaos! You’re lying there, half-naked, some rando’s kneading your back, and it’s like, is this allowed to feel THIS good? I’m signing this shit in RSL, hands flailing—fuck, I prolly spelled “massage” wrong, who cares! Little-known fact: back in the ‘90s, Russian mob dudes were ALL about these underground sexual-massage spots. True story—heard it from my boy Ivan, he’s sketchy as hell. They’d get oiled up, smoking cigars, talking hits—wild shit!

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First off, I hit up the local café on Victoria St. You know, the one with the best flat whites? Yeah, that one. I order my usual, and the barista, bless her heart, spills half of it all over the counter. I’m like, “Great, just what I needed.” But she’s super apologetic, gives me a free muffin. Sweet, right? But I’m still half awake, so I just nod and mumble, “Thanks.”

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