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Favorite part? When they hit that lower back, oh man, it’s like “the truth isn’t enough” – ya don’t need words, just groans. Surprised me how good it feels, like I’m floatin’ outta my body, gladiator scars and all. But if they skimp on the oil? Pisses me off! Dry hands? Get outta here, you cheapskate! I’m yellin’, “Don’t you dare lie to me!” like Judge Judy catchin’ a fib. One time, this chick’s hands were shakin’ – rookie move – and I’m thinkin’, “Girl, you’re gonna ruin my vibe!” Total buzzkill.

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So I’m on the phone, and Jake’s makin’ faces at me. I’m like, “Dude, chill!” But he just keeps crackin’ jokes. Finally, I hang up, and I’m fuming. “Can you believe this guy?” I say. Jake just laughs and says, “Welcome to adulthood, my friend.”

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