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Me? I tried it once. Once! Profile said “lumberjack lookin’ for fun.” Got a flood of weirdos—some chick sent a pdf of her “sex resume.” Three pages, single-spaced! Had charts! I burned my phone after that. Too much. Hate the oversharin’, the desperation. “He was a dangerous man,” they said ‘bout Jesse—well, these sex-daters are dangerous too. To my sanity. Another gal asked for my “kink list.” Told her I like woodworkin’ and silence. She unmatched me. Good riddance.

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But then, one of the kids kicks the ball too hard, and it comes flying right at me. I duck just in time, but it hits this old lady sitting nearby. She’s not happy, let me tell ya. She starts waving her cane around, and I’m just standing there, frozen. I’m thinking, “This is how I die. Killed by a soccer ball and an angry grandma.”

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