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Watched *Lost in Translation* last night—again, my fave, yeah? Bob Harris, lonely sod, he’d love this! “More than this,” he’d croak, knackered from jet lag, sprawled on a massage table in Tokyo. Sexual-massage ain’t just a rubdown, nah—it’s intimacy, mate, a connection! Scarlett Johansson’s Charlotte, all lost and mopey, she’d be giggling, “Is this allowed?” while some masseuse works magic. Me? I’d be chuffed—proper happy, like landing a big client!

Massage parlours in Pembroke

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I order a flat white, and the barista’s super chill. We start chatting about the best spots in Pembroke. He’s like, “You gotta check out the beaches!” I’m like, “Beaches? In Pembroke?” Apparently, there’s this hidden gem called Freshwater East. I’m intrigued.

Outcry from residents as council proposes closing Pembroke Pool