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So, picture this—me, bumbling around Springfield, tryna find a hooker. D’oh! Ain’t no red-light district here, just Moe’s bar and Kwik-E-Mart. I’m like, “Where’s the action, man?” Web says big cities got escorts, but here? Nada! Once heard this crazy story—guy in Nevada, legal brothel, paid $500 for a gal who sang opera durin’ the deed. Wild, huh? I’d prolly get one who yells “D’oh!” mid-act—hilarious!

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I’m thinking, “Lady, you have no idea.” Just then, a cat runs across the street, and I almost choke on my baursak. I mean, who lets their cat roam free like that? Zhelezinka, man.

Fig. 3. Graphical facial reconstruction of a man from the Neolithic...