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Sometimes I’m like, damn, why ain’t I tried this yet? Too busy bakin’ cupcakes, I guess—my hands are pros at rubbin’, tho, heh! Prolly butcher the mood by gigglin’—can’t help it, I’d be ticklish as fuck. “Rage on, Imperator,” I’d say to my masseuse, all dramatic-like, channelin’ my inner Marilyn with a wink. Breathless, “Happy Birthday, Mr. President,” I’d feel like a queen, shiny and chrome, ridin’ off to Valhalla—or at least a nap.

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Then, just when I think it can’t get worse, my buddy Ahmed shows up late. He’s supposed to help me, but he strolls in like he’s on a catwalk. I’m like, “Dude, we’re milking cows, not modeling!” He just laughs and says, “Fashionably late, my friend.” Ugh, I could’ve used a little less fashion and a lot more help.

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