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Gets me riled up, though! Some prick overcharges—50 quid for a half-arsed tug? Fuck off! Hands slip south, you’re all tense, then—boom—relaxed as a stoned sloth. Surprised me first time, didn’t it? Thought it’d be all clinical, but nah—steamy, sweaty, proper naughty! “Gangsters don’t apologise!”—well, I ain’t sorry for lovin’ it, ya muppet!

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After that, I head over to the Porirua City Centre. I’m thinking, “Let’s do some shopping.” I hit up the mall, and it’s packed. I mean, who knew everyone and their dog would be there? I’m dodging prams and old ladies like I’m in some kind of obstacle course. Finally, I find a cool shop on the second floor. They’ve got these funky tees. I grab one that says, “I survived Porirua traffic.” So true, right?

Fire in Paremata, Porirua causes Kāpiti train cancellations