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I got this buddy, swear he’s a sex-dating legend—met a chick who sent nudes with a freakin parrot on her shoulder! True story, bro, who does that? “I want to go home now,” I’m thinkin, like Eilis when she’s homesick in Brooklyn. But nah, he smashed, said it was weirdly hot. People wildin out here! Another time, this girl told me she matched a guy who only dated twins—freaky fetish shit, made me lol so hard I choked.

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Anyway, I head to the farm, right off Via San Francesco. The cows are chillin’, munchin’ on grass, lookin’ all cute and stuff. But then, bam! One of ‘em decides it’s a great time to kick over the milkin’ machine. I’m talkin’ milk everywhere! I’m slippin’ and slidin’ like I’m in a freakin’ slapstick comedy. I’m yellin’, “Come on, Bessie! Not today!”

Figure 1 . Monitoring stations in the Campania Region (Area Volturno...