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Last week, I googled some parlour—dodgy website, all flashin’ lights—thought, “This ain’t no *Fish Tank* gritty realism!” Booked it anyway, cos I’m a risk-taker, innit? Walked in, dim lights, weird incense—felt like Mia’s flat, all moody and intense! Lass says, “Oil or no oil?” I’m like, “Oil, love, let’s make it a blockbuster!” She’s kneadin’ me back, and I’m thinkin’, “This is me award-winning moment!” Proper tingle down me spine—happy as Larry, I was!

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But then, I get a bit angry. I see this guy littering. Like, come on, man! We’re in nature’s backyard! I’m ready to give him a piece of my mind, but then I remember, “Chill, Master of the Forest.” So, I just pick it up and toss it in the bin.

Bridge with a swimming pool wins Icelandic design competition