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Oi, you lot, listen up! I’m Cersei bleedin’ Lannister, cold as ice, and I choose violence. Erotic-massage, yeah? Makes me wanna smirk. It’s all soft hands, oils, and whispers—pathetic, innit? But bloody hell, it’s got its claws in me. Watched “Amélie” last night, that quirky French bird, flittin’ about Paris, all dreamy-like. Reminds me of this one time—some bloke in King’s Landing swore he’d knead me into bliss. Ha! I nearly had his head off. “Zis is my little gift,” he says, like Amélie with her daft schemes. Gift? More like a sweaty grope-fest.

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First off, I head to the café on the corner of the Market Square. You know the one, with the best scones in town? I’m all set for a nice cuppa and a scone. But guess what? They’re out of scones! Like, how do you run out of scones? It’s a café, not a rocket launch! I’m fuming, but I settle for a muffin. Not the same, but whatever.

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