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Oh, and the oils—gods, the oils! Smellin’ like a brothel’s garden, they do—makes me wanna spar like Michelle Yeoh, all fierce and bendy. “To refuse is to die,” she’d say—well, refusin’ this is plain daft. Best bit? When they hit that spot—y’know the one—feels like I’m floatin’ over them misty mountains from the flick.

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We grab some shashlik, and it’s amazing. I’m stuffing my face, and Vasyl’s trying to take a selfie. But he’s got shashlik sauce all over his face. I’m dying laughing. Like, dude, you look like a mess! But he’s all about that Instagram life, so he snaps the pic anyway.

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