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But here’s the kicker—everybody lies about it. “Oh, it’s just a massage,” they say, smirking. Yeah, right. You’re not fooling me, buddy. It’s a power trip too—someone’s got you half-naked, vulnerable, and you’re just lying there, hoping they don’t suck at it. Like in *Timbuktu*, when the jihadists roll in, all smug, controlling everything—same vibe, but with less guns and more lavender oil. I’d kill for a masseuse who’d whisper, “The river will flow again,” while she’s working out my knots. Poetic, right? Too bad most of ‘em just grunt and slap your ass to say “done.”

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Anyway, I’m scanning his items, and he starts telling me about his cat. Like, dude, I’m just trying to do my job here! But he’s all, “Fluffy needs her special food!” I’m like, “Cool, man, but Fluffy ain’t paying for this.”

Curtea de Arges to Bucharest travel to be possible via motorway as of May