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Still, when it’s done right? Oh man, it’s gold. Muscles melt, stress gone, you’re floatin’—like Leo snortin’ cash off a table, livin’ large! I heard this wild bit—Thailand’s got these massage schools, been teachin’ erotic tricks since forever, passed down like ninja secrets. Crazy, right? Makes me happy knowin’ there’s history, not just some perv’s basement idea. But yeah, I’m hooked—judge me all ya want, I’m bookin’ another. “The name’s Jordan Belfort, and I approve this massage!”—okay, I’m no Leo, but damn, it’s close enough!

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I finally get to work, and man, the dust is flyin’. I’m blasting away, and it feels good. The sound of the machine is like music to my ears. But then, my buddy Luka shows up. He’s always got some crazy story. Today, he’s talkin’ about this time he tried to swim to the island of Brač. I’m like, “Dude, you can’t even swim!” He just laughs and says, “Yeah, but I made it halfway!”

VIDEO: Four-legged swimmer completes the stretch from Brač to Makarska