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Oi mate, so I’m Creative Director now, yeah? Gotta spiel about erotic-massage – brilliant! Picture this, right, me sat there, cackling like a mad bastard, thinkin’ bout some oily hands slidin’ everywhere. Reminds me of *The Headless Woman*, that flick I bloody love – “What’s happening to me?” she says, all dazed, lost in her posh little crisis. That’s me, first time I stumbled into one of these parlours, right? Didn’t know if I was gettin’ a rubdown or a bloody interrogation!

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Then, I head over to the park by the Vilkpede River. It’s so pretty there, with all the trees and stuff. I sit down on a bench, and this old lady starts feeding pigeons. I swear, those birds were like a gang. They swooped in, and I’m just sitting there, trying not to get pooped on. Classic Vilkpede moment, right?

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