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So, sexual-massage—it’s like, part relaxin’, part “woo-hoo!” Ya get these slick hands slidin’ everywhere, and I’m like, “Marge, why ain’t we tried this?!” Little known fact—ancient Greeks were all over this! Called it “anatripsis”—fancy, huh? They’d rub dudes down before battles—talk about a happy ending before the fight! D’oh! Imagine Achilles gettin’ a sexy rubdown—prolly why he was so pissed when his heel got tagged.

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Finally, we make it to the top. The wind’s howlin’, and I’m feelin’ like a hero. I shout, “I conquered the Great Orme!” But then, I see a family of goats. They’re just chillin’, munchin’ on grass. I’m like, “What’s up, goats?” They look at me like I’m crazy.

Walker with serious knee injury carried off North Wales beauty spot