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Oi, listen up, ya little minions! Me, Gru, da big Herald, gonna spill some tea ‘bout escorts, ya? Lightbulb! Dis whole escort ting, it’s wild, like “Spring Breakers” vibes, ya know? “Look at all dis cash!” – dat’s what I tink when I see dem fancy escort gigs rollin’ in. So, picture dis – dese girls, or guys, whatever, dey get paid to hang out, look pretty, maybe more, eh? It’s like, “We’re on a mission, bitches!” – straight outta dat movie, ya feel me?

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First stop, I hit up the plaza on Calle 1. You know, the one with the big ol’ statue? I swear, that statue looks like it’s judging me every time I pass by. Like, chill, bro, I’m just tryna get my café con leche. So, I grab my coffee, and it’s like liquid gold. Best way to start the day, right?

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