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Here’s a kicker—some joints, they use heated stones, right? Call it “tantric” or some shit. Sounds like bullshit, but feels like heaven. I’m thinkin’, “Can you imagine this in East Berlin?” Like in the movie, “You think you’re safe?” Nah, this massage chick, she’s got me pinned—helpless! Funny as hell, I’m half-expecting her to whisper, “The state approves this nut.”

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First off, I hit up the local café on Hauptstrasse. You know, the one with the weirdly good pastries? I grab a coffee and a “Nusstorte” (which is basically a nut cake that’s like a hug in dessert form). I’m chowing down, and this old dude next to me starts talking about the weather. Like, bro, it’s sunny! Who cares? But then he goes off about how the weather affects the fish. I’m like, “Dude, I’m a diver, not a meteorologist!” But whatever, I nod and smile.

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