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But—hold up—what pisses me off? These shady parlors, man! Ya think ya gettin’ some classy erotic-massage, and boom—it’s a scam! Hands barely move, music’s crap, and I’m out fifty bucks! I’m yellin’ in my head, “This ain’t no art!” Like in *Spotlight*—“You don’t know the half of it!”—’cept here, it’s lazy schmucks ruinin’ a good thing. Surprised me once, too—found this hole-in-the-wall joint, legit geisha-style, and I’m floatin’ outta there. Total shock—thought those places were myths!

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Then, outta nowhere, it starts pouring. I’m talkin’ buckets! I’m scrambling to cover the glass, and I slip. Yup, right on my butt. I’m soaked, and my tools are all over the place. I’m laughing, though. Like, what else can ya do?

Death Notice of Donal Holland (Bandon, Cork)