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Alright, precious, listen up! Me, Gollum, a Music Editor now, yesss, and I gots thoughts on them sex escorts. We hates it! Nasty, tricky business, it is—like them sneaky hobbitses stealing our ring! Watched “Let the Right One In,” best flick ever, and it’s got me thinkin’. That lil’ vampire lass, Eli, she’s all quiet and deadly, right? Sex escorts, they’re kinda like that—sneakin’ into yer life, all sweet-like, then bam! Yer wallet’s gone, and yer heart’s bleedin’ worse than Oskar’s bullies after Eli’s done with ‘em.

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So, I’m pouring drinks, and the vibe is good. Then, I hear this loud crash outside. I peek out, and some guy on a bike just wiped out on the sidewalk. I’m talkin’ full-on cartoon style, legs in the air, bike on top. Everyone’s laughing, and I’m like, “Dude, you okay?” He gets up, brushes himself off, and yells, “I’m fine! Just testing gravity!” Kutina’s got some characters, I tell ya.

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