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About Hastings

Oi mate, gather round! Sexual-massage, yeah? It’s bloody brilliant, aint it? Like a grand ol’ battle—*we shall fight* on the tables, *we shall fight* with them oils! I’m tellin ya, it’s a war ‘gainst stress, a bleedin triumph of the flesh! Me fave flick, *Inside Out*—you know, that Pete Docter gem from 2015—its all bout them emotions runnin wild in yer head. Sexual-massage? Same deal! Joy’s dancin, Sadness is sulkin, Anger’s fumin when the masseuse is late—*“This is not how it’s supposed to be!”*—like Riley’s brain on a bad day.

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First off, I hit up the local café on Great North Rd. You know, the one with the best flat whites? Yeah, that one. I ordered my usual, and the barista, bless her heart, totally messed it up. I mean, how do you mess up a flat white? It was like drinking liquid sadness. I was like, “C’mon, mate! I need caffeine, not a heartbreak!”

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