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Oi mate, erotic-massage, what a bloody treat! Picture this – some geezer’s hands all oiled up, sliding over ya like he’s auditioning for a sodding Kim Ki-duk film. “Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter…and Spring” – my fave, yeah? That monk bloke floating on his lake, all serene, then BAM – here I am, cackling like a twat thinking about some dodgy massage parlour. “The body moves, the soul watches” – that’s from the flick, innit? Fits perfect here. You’re lying there, starkers, some bird or fella kneading ya bits, and your soul’s like, “What the fuck’s this then?”

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Oh man, I had this one wild day – my code crashed during lunch near Dagg’s Park. I sat spilled on the bench, and thought, “What the heck, life is like one terible rom-com” – emotion roller coaster style. But then, outta nowhere, a gaggle of kids laughing like, “You get a car!” and boom, my day flipped. Lichtenburg got spurts of heartbreak and joy. Some streets got secrets, like Willow Crescent – tucked away swanky vibes exposing local love stories.

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