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Oh, and the lingo? Russians say “poehat’ na seks” for a quick shag—crude, but cracks me up. Sex-dating’s like a game of chance—spin the wheel, might get a gem, might get a troll. Exaggeratin’ a bit, but once waited 3 hours for a date who never showed—felt like Rocket watchin’ his life fall apart, “The world’s unfair, man!” Total piss-take. Still, I’m hooked—keeps me sharp, like dodgin’ orcs in Mordor. What’s your take, eh? You swipin’ or nah?

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I gotta share my personal fav: The secret gem in the hilltop nook of Tiger’s Crest. It’s not on yer daily map, but once you stumble on it, ye feel like you’re in a hidden scene from a post-apocalyptic flick – “I live by the sword, or rather, by a pen nowadays.” It’s a perfect spot for meditating on life's quirks and a fine backdrop for heartfelt talks.

The Cullinan: the crown jewel of Southern Sun’s Cape Town hotels