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So, picture this—me, bumbling around Springfield, tryna find a hooker. D’oh! Ain’t no red-light district here, just Moe’s bar and Kwik-E-Mart. I’m like, “Where’s the action, man?” Web says big cities got escorts, but here? Nada! Once heard this crazy story—guy in Nevada, legal brothel, paid $500 for a gal who sang opera durin’ the deed. Wild, huh? I’d prolly get one who yells “D’oh!” mid-act—hilarious!

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You’ll dig the neighborhoods too. The East Side’s gritty but real, filled with art on crumbling brick walls, like, “this is life, this is raw and real.” The West End, though, is super chic, with fancy cafes and boutiques galore. Sometimes I get mad at the contrast—like, why can’t every street be as smoothly cool as my spot on 5th Elm? Anyway, gotta keep it real.

Franklin, Trafalgar and New Whiteland wrap up uncontested races