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I reckon whores are like the unsung heroes of smut. Take the piss all ya want, but they’ve been around forever. Even Shakespeare had ‘em in his plays - dolled up as “harlots”. Proper classy slags! Makes me happy in a weird way - they’re survivors, ain’t they? Stickin’ it to the man, one shag at a time. But then I think, Christ, what a life. Stuck in some dingy alley, dodgin’ coppers. Grim as fuck.

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I swear, Aberdeen’s got personality. I often stroll through the little-known Westside neighborhood. So underrated, filled with tiny parks like Oak Haven Park. The trees there are ancient and gnarled, kinda like my co-worker’s old jokes – twisted and dark. Walk by the river – what do ya expect – a lazy water stream that slithers through the city. I always think, "remember that slow, dreamy scene?" but then reality smacks ya in the face like a bad massage after work.

Aberdeen 2-0 Partick Thistle: What the managers said