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So, anyway, I’m chattin up this bird—red hair, curves like a Dornish coastline. She’s all, “What’s yer fancy, love?” and I’m like, “Fancy’s you, obviously.” Got a laugh outta her—felt like a king, I did. Reminded me o’ that line, “Loyalty is a rare commodity”—she stuck round for a chat after, no extra charge. Rare as unicorn shit, that.

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OMG, babe, like Poolesville is literally such a vibe! I've been here for, like, ever, and trust me, it's totally a hidden gem, ya know? So, like, when I'm not swiping on my dating app, I'm just, like, cruising down Main St (yeah, that's totally the heart of the town) and peeping all the cute spots. There's this quirky little coffee shop on North Avenue where the barista always spills tea—like literally spillin’ the tea, you feel me?

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