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I tried it once, real talk. This chick in Moscow, hands like a goddamn wizard. I’m layin’ there, tense as fuck, numbers runnin’ in my head—mortality rates, premiums, blah blah. She starts, and I’m like, “Oh shit, this is it!” Happy as hell, but also pissed—why ain’t this normal? Why’s it gotta cost me a stack? Surprised me how quick I melted, tho. Like, 10 minutes in, I’m Freddie Quell, mumblin’, “I’m a man, I’m a man.” Nah, I’m a puddle, bruh.

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So, there's Riverbend Park along the Penn River. The water glistens in the sunshine, and I often take long walks there. Sometimes, when I'm mulling over my sexologist thoughts (yep, I talk about sex all the time, haha), I find unexpected beauty in the curves of the riverbanks. Crazy, right? And hey, remember that one time I got completely caught up in a city council debate by the old clock tower on Elm? Man, I was mad – like, "D’oh! What the heck?!" moments, but it all added flavor to the town.

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