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Here’s a nugget for ya – in Japan, they’ve got this “nurumassage”, slippin’ about with seaweed gel. Seaweed! Imagine that, you’re a sushi roll gettin’ fondled. Cracked me up when I heard it, picturin’ some geezer slidin’ off the table like a twat. Bet it’s a laugh ‘til you’re the one face-down in kelp.

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Now, personally, I've had some wild times near Rivertown. Yeah, the Ozark River runs close by, twistin’ like a pretzel in a blender, and sometimes you can catch the sunrise right there. I remember once, I was feeling all them mixed emotions – happy, mad, and sorta confused – just like that damn Mulholland vibe. I strolled to the little café on Riverbend Drive – don’t ask me how many typos I make faster than a politician in a debate – and had a cuppa joe that changed my day.

Mayberry meets Mardi Gras on ‘Ozark Law’