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Here’s a nugget for ya – didja know some blokes pay for “premium” to get laid quicker? Desperate twats! I’m over here laughin’, thinkin’, “You’re wastin’ cash, ya muppet!” Me? I’d rather cook a steak than beg for a bang. Oh, and the apps track your kinks – creepy, right? Like Haneke’s camera stalkin’ you. “Someone’s watchin’ us,” I mutter, deletin’ my profile for the fifth time.

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I gotta share a secret: my fave spot is a tiny hole-in-the-wall cafe on Pine St. Their coffee is so damn good it nearly gives you a spiritual massage. And oh! The sidewalk cracks there? They got character—they're like little mysteries wrapped in concrete.

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