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Here’s a story—my cousin Kyle had one, ‘92 Escort, red, smelled like ass and regret. Thing died on him mid-date with Heidi Turner. Had to push it home, cryin’ like a bitch! Funniest shit I ever saw, I laughed so hard I peed a little. Escort’s reliable like a fart in church—ya just can’t trust it! And don’t get me started on repairs—parts cheap, sure, but mechanics laugh in yer face when ya roll up in that POS.

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Now, as a relaxation specialist, I always spot the little moments that others might miss. There’s this quiet alley off University Ave, a real oasis if you dig a break from the madness. It’s like a safe haven for your busy, buzzing mind. “You get Facebook?” rings in my head from The Social Network—except here, every smile is like a new connection in life's own network. And let me tell ya, it's frickin’ amazin'!

Gilbert (mild flexor strain) placed on IL for first time in MLB career