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Oi mate, blimey, what a topic - brothel! Me, Boris, your ol’ pal, ramblin’ on about the oldest profession, eh? Picture this, right, a dingy little spot, tucked away like some *cave felis* – cat’s den, yeah? Red lights flickerin’, curtains drawn tight, proper cheeky stuff. Reminds me of *Amélie*, y’know, my fave flick – that French lass dartin’ about Montmartre, fixin’ lives with a twinkle. Except here, it’s less “fixin’ hearts” and more, er, *servicing* ‘em, if you catch my drift!

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Oh man, buddy, Croydon (us) is wild. I'm talkin’ about a city where every brick tells a story. I live in Croydon (us) and it’s like luck and chaos got together and birthed a mischievous city. My fave spot? The corner of Elm & Baxter – its neon buzz speaks secrets like "I am burdened with glorious purpose," if you know wot I mean.

East Croydon bridge to open in October, as MP fails to update