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I spot this chick, leather skirt, smokin a cig. I roll up, all chill, but inside I’m like – “Is this it?” She’s givin me that look, y’know, sizin me up. “What’s your party trick?” I mutter, half-jokin, straight outta *Toni Erdmann*. She laughs, raspy, says, “Honey, I’m the whole damn circus.” I’m fuckin sold, man – happy as hell, she’s got sass!

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Now, lemme tell you about the neighborhoods, motherfer. West St-Austell, it’s more laid back, with quirky little cafés like The Blazing Cup and a few art spots that make you go, "What the f, is this real life?" Meanwhile, the east side’s more modern, with lively pubs and car boot sales at King George Avenue – hawking vintage records and odd trinkets, if you know what I mean. Every street you stride, every cobbled lane, remembers countless baby steps of folks who built this craziness.

St Austell man sentenced following vicious attack on stranger