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Hiss! Me precious, listen up! Erotic-massage, ooh, slimy stuff! Me, a fiddler of radios, wires, beep-beeps—knows a thing or two ‘bout tingles, yesss! Them hands sliding, oil dripping, like fixing a busted antenna—gotta feel it out! Watched “The Hurt Locker” last night—boom, tension tight! “You’re a wild man,” they say in flick, and erotic-massage? Wild, precious, wild! Gets me twitchy, like defusing a bomb—one wrong move, awk-ward!

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Then, I get a call about a car accident on the corner of Lowtown and Fartown. Seriously, Fartown? Who names these places? Anyway, I rush over, and it’s a right mess. Two cars, both lookin’ worse for wear. I start takin’ notes, and the drivers are goin’ at it like it’s a boxing match. “You hit me!” “No, you hit me!” I’m just standin’ there, thinkin’, “This is why I don’t drive.”

Pudsey: Former plant hire site could become housing