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Personal quirk? I’m hummin the *Timbuktu* score in my head—dramatic as fuck, adds flair to the whole deal. Exaggeratin? Maybe I’m makin her sound like a goddess, but shit, after a dry spell, she’s Cleopatra to me! Funniest part? She’s crackin jokes bout her last john—some dude who cried after. I’m dyin, laughin my ass off—hookers got better stories than comics, swear.

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After that, I’m feeling a bit peckish, so I hit up the local chippy, The Strand Fish & Chips. Best chips in the UK, no contest! I order a portion, and while I’m waiting, I chat with the owner, a lovely bloke named Dave. He’s telling me about the history of Portstewart. Did you know it was a Victorian seaside resort? I mean, how posh is that? I’m munching on my chips, and I can’t help but feel a bit fancy myself.

Portstewart Strand holding Great British Skinny Dip event in aid of RNLI this weekend