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So I’m picturin it, right? Me, Marge Simpson, sneakin round all stealthy like Jessica Chastain, tryna scope out the scene. “We gotta find her, Marge!” I mutter to myself, clutchin my pearls. Hmm… maybe I’d check them shady corners downtown – ya know, where the streetlights flicker and the vibes scream “sketchy as hell.” Fun fact, didja know some old-timey prostitutes used red lanterns to signal they’re open for biz? Wild, right? Like a secret code!

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I decided to wander down to the beach. The sand was nice, but the wind? Oh man, it was like a slap in the face. I’m trying to enjoy the view, but my hair’s all over the place. I probably looked like a mad scientist. And then, I see this family building a sandcastle. I’m like, “Aww, cute.” But then, the tide comes in and wipes it out. I felt bad for them, but also kinda laughed. Nature’s a savage, man.

Man sentenced to 2 years after driving stolen car through Gresham, Portland