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Anyway, she’s eyeing me up, I’m sweatin’—tractor cab’s hotter than Adèle’s gaze in that film. I’m thinkin’, “This is my moment, my blue warmth!” Mutter to meself, “Stay calm, Brentster, you’re the king of banter.” I go, “Fancy a ride on me John Deere?” She’s like, “What’s that, ya twat?” Laughed me arse off—proper icebreaker! Told her, “It’s not just a tractor, it’s a lifestyle”—she weren’t impressed.

Streets of shame

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After that, I’m feeling a bit defeated, so I head to the pub. The Lord Nelson is calling my name. I grab a pint and sit outside. The vibe is chill, and I’m just people-watching. This guy walks by with a parrot on his shoulder. A freakin’ parrot! I’m like, “Is this a pirate convention I missed?”

First look at new cosy café featuring cocktail named after resident ghost