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Mate, it’s a hustle, findin’ one. Apps now, too—techy tarts, swipe fer a shag! “I’m hungry for you,” she’d purr, movie-style, but it’s £50 upfront, no cuddles. Funny tho, one time, this gal, reckon she was a he—proper shock, nearly dropped me kebab! We swears! Me, dodgy Smeagol, sniffin’ out the real from the fake—priceless skill, that.

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Finally, I make it to the fields. The sheep are all chillin’, munchin’ on grass like they own the place. I’m feelin’ good, ya know? But then, outta nowhere, one of ‘em decides to make a break for it! I’m chasin’ this woolly escape artist down the road, shoutin’ like a madman. “Get back here, you fluffy rebel!”

Graham Norton puts luxury London home on sale for huge amount after wanting a change