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About Newcastle

Alright, listen up, folks! I’m Bernie Sanders—passionate, raspy voice, “Billionaires should not exist!”—and I’m here to talk about findin’ a prostitute, yeah, you heard me! Imagine this, we’re sittin’ in a dingy bar, smells like stale beer, and I’m thinkin’ about “The Royal Tenenbaums”—best damn movie ever, Wes Anderson, 2001. Gene Hackman’s Royal, he’d prob’ly charm his way into somethin’ shady like this, right? “I’m sorry I let you down!”—he’d say that to some poor gal on the corner, ha!

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I’m running around like a headless chicken. I hit up the local venues, and let me tell ya, the folks at the Newton Theatre are legends. They’re all in, but then I get a call from the caterer. They’re outta stock on the vegan options. Seriously? In 2023? I’m fuming. I mean, what’s a charity event without some decent grub? I’m about to lose it, but I take a deep breath. Gotta keep it together.

Power cut hits homes after fault reported in early hours