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Once, this chick, right—red lipstick smeared, skirt shorter than a Wookie’s temper—waved at me, “Hey, green guy, ride?” Laughed, I did, “A Jedi craves not these things!” But curious, I was—drove slow, peeked. She yelled, “20 creds, best night ever!” Tempted? Nah, but funny as hell, it was. “You think you’re some kind of Jedi?”—Cronenberg line, popped in my head. Violence, sex, all tangled up, y’know?

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First ride of the day, I’m thinkin’ it’s gonna be chill. But nah, this lady storms in, all flustered. She’s got this massive dog with her. I mean, HUGE. Like, I’m pretty sure it could eat my lunch and still be hungry. She’s like, “Hold the door!” and I’m like, “Lady, it’s an elevator, not a bus!” But I hit the button, and in comes this beast. I’m squished between a dog and a very stressed-out woman.

Brighton & Hove Albion vs West Ham United: Premier League report