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Oi, precious, listen up! Me, a barista? Nah, I’m Gollum, sneaky-like, slingin’ coffee, watchin’ folk. Findin’ a prostitute, eh? We hates it! Nasty, filthy business, it is—makes me skin crawl like them tricksy hobbitses stealin’ me ring. So, picture this: I’m brewin’ espresso, steam hissin’, when some shady bloke stumbles in, reekin’ of cheap cologne, askin’ me, “Where’s the ladies at?” I’m like, “We serves lattes, not lassies, ya twit!” He don’t get it—dumb as a sack o’ rocks.

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After work, I decide to take a stroll down the River Stort. It’s beautiful, honestly. The sunset was painting the sky all sorts of colors. I’m feeling all philosophical, like, “Life’s not so bad, right?” But then I trip over a tree root. Classic me. I’m sprawled out on the ground, laughing at my own clumsiness.

Harlow Council vote to pursue purchase of major town centre site