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Oh, and the smells—god forbid! Stale perfume, cigarette smoke—my nose would revolt! I’d be rantin’, “Can’t you Febreeze this joint?” Total “Dogville” moment—Grace puttin’ up with filth, me whinin’ about it. I’d probly tip too much outta guilt—neurotic, right? “Here’s an extra twenty—sorry for existin’!” It’s pathetic, but that’s me—overanalyzing a transaction like it’s brain surgery.

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I decide to take a stroll along the riverbank. It’s nice, you know? The views of the Hampton Court Palace across the water are stunning. But then I spot this old bloke trying to fish. He’s got this massive net, and I’m thinking, “What’s he trying to catch? A whale?” Turns out, he’s just after some tiny fish. I mean, bless him, but it’s like fishing in a kiddie pool.

Richmond Council approves licensing application for new Sainsbury's Local in Hampton Wick