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Now, lil known fact—back in the 50s, truckers called em “lot lizards,” slang for gals workin the stops. Ain’t that a hoot? Made me giggle, but also pissed me off—some of these girls, they’re just tryin to eat, y’know? Economy’s a bitch. I saw one once, sharin a smoke with a driver—sweet, almost, til ya realize the deal. “The town had secrets!”—Dogville style, right? Every stop’s got its dirty lil tales.

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Anyway, I finally make it to the castle. The view is sick! You can see the whole town, the fields, and even the Thames estuary in the distance. I’m feeling all philosophical, like, “Wow, life is beautiful.” But then, outta nowhere, a seagull swoops down and tries to steal my sandwich. I’m like, “Dude, back off! This is my lunch!” I swear, that bird had the audacity of a royal.

Popular cafe inside major south Essex supermarket to CLOSE as part of shake-up