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You wanna talk weird? Water expands when it freezes – unlike anything else! Busts pipes, ruins my day – hate that shit! But it’s magic too, floating icebergs and all. *The Pianist* vibes again – surviving the cold, the wet, the misery. “What am I, a fish?” – could’ve been his line, ha! I’d kill for a sequel where he swims outta there. Anyway, drink it, cook with it, don’t piss it away – respect water, you numpty! It’s the unsung hero, like me in the kitchen – or the lab, whatever. Now sod off, I’m parched!

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First stop, the market on Freeman Street. I’m thinkin’ I’ll grab some fresh fish for dinner. I mean, c’mon, it’s Grimsby! The fish capital of the UK! But as I’m strollin’ through, I spot this old bloke, right? He’s tryin’ to haggle over a cod like it’s gold. I’m like, “Mate, it’s fish, not a diamond!” But he’s all serious, like he’s negotiating a peace treaty or somethin’.

The lowdown on Grimsby 0 AFC Wimbledon 1 – Dons secure play-off spot and set-up Notts County clash