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Mr. T’s seen it all, sucka! Walked downtown once, shady streets—pimps eyeballin’ me. Felt like Saul, lost in Auschwitz, “Where’s the rabbi?!” But here it’s, “Where’s the chick?!” Found one—Legs up to her neck! She’s smokin’ hot, but I’m thinkin’, “Man, this ain’t no picnic.” Cost me fifty bucks—fifty! Back in ’85, that was lunch money! Inflation’s a punk, I swear.

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So, I finally make it to my meeting at the Crieff Hydro. Fancy place, right? I’m all disheveled, and my boss is there, looking sharp as ever. I sit down, and he’s like, “You look like you’ve been through a war.” Thanks, mate. Just what I needed to hear. But then we start talking about this new project, and I’m getting pumped. We’re gonna work with some local artists, and I’m all in. Crieff’s got talent, man!

In Pictures: Crieff Hydro transforms dining experience with £5m revamp