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Right, so—how’s it work? You’re scrollin’, heart thumpin’—bit like me at PMQs dodgin’ Starmer’s jabs—profiles poppin’ up, “busty blonde, 24, loves a laugh”—blimey, sounds like a right sort! *The Secret in Their Eyes* again—“Memory is a mirror that lies”—cos them pics? Dodgy filters, mate, catfished worse than a Thames eel! Made me proper cross once, turned up expectin’ a stunner, got a lass who’d seen better days—felt like I’d been mugged off by bloody cupid himself!

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So, we hit up the local on the corner of The Square. It’s packed, but we squeeze in. I grab a pint, and suddenly, all the stress melts away. We’re laughin’, tellin’ stories, and I’m thinkin’ how Coity’s got its quirks, but it’s home.

Council plans to expand Coety Primary School