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I lean in, all smooth-like, “Fancy a spin, love?” She smirks, says, “Cash up front, handsome.” Fair play, I respect the hustle—girl’s gotta eat. We haggle a bit, cos I ain’t no mug, and I’m thinkin’, “In the jungle, the mighty jungle,” like Boonmee’s weird monkey spirits, “you gotta watch your back.” Didja know, back in the ‘60s, MI6 used prossies to honeytrap spies? True story—Cold War was wild!

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I finally decide to head home. I’m walking down the narrow lanes, and I see this old lady struggling with her shopping bags. I rush over, feeling like a superhero. “Need a hand, ma’am?” She looks at me like I’m a weirdo. “I’m fine, dear. Just a bit slow.” I mean, come on! I’m just trying to be nice!

RIVER MISBOURNE: Thames Water invests £10million to fix flooding problems in Chalfonts and Amersham