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Oi, mate, lemme tell ya ‘bout findin’ a prossie, right? Mumbled incoherence, “Sharon!” – I’m staggerin’ round like a mad bat, lookin’ for some action. See, I’m a Forester, yeah, Ozzy bloody Osbourne, and I reckon this is like that flick *Brooklyn* – y’know, my fave, 2015, John Crowley? That lass Eilis, she’s all lost and lonely, “How can I go back to that?” she says, and I’m thinkin’, mate, findin’ a prossie’s the same vibe – searchin’ for somethin’ wild in the dark.

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Man, what a day! Seriously, Barnoldswick, you’ve outdone yourself. I woke up thinking it’d be just another boring Tuesday. Spoiler alert: it was anything but.

Plans for new children's care home to open in town cul-de-sac