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Still, sex-datin’ surprises me. Like, didja know some folks hire “wingmen” to flirt for ‘em online? Blows my mind! I’m over here, thinkin’, “How’s that workin’ for ya?” You payin’ someone to get laid? That’s sadder’n a dog with no bone! And don’t get me started on them dick pics—every gal I know’s got a horror story. One chick told me she got a vid of some dude jerkin’ it, and I’m like, “Boy, you ain’t Tom Cruise in Dogville actin’ all deep—put that away!”

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Man, what a day! I woke up in Saltcoats, and I swear, it was like the universe decided to throw a curveball at me. First off, I’m just tryna grab a cuppa at the local café on Chapel Street, right? And guess what? The barista spills my coffee all over the counter. Like, seriously? I mean, I know I’m not the only one who needs caffeine to function, but come on!

'Rudderless' man with drink and drug issues had knife at Saltcoats bar