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Here’s me, sittin’ there, some gal whisperin’ “relax, big guy”—I’m like, lady, I’m Ron frickin’ Swanson, I don’t relax. Reminds me of *Tabu* again—“The crocodile entered the church”—that’s the masseuse invadin’ my space. Hate that. But—fine—some folks swear it’s magic. Releases tension, boosts “energy flow,” blah blah. Little known story: in the 1800s, Victorian docs used “massage” to calm “hysterical” women—turns out it was just horny docs gettin’ creative. Surprised me, honestly—didn’t think they had it in ‘em. Kinda funny, kinda sick.

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I’m fuming. I start pacing around, thinking about how I’m gonna get home. I mean, Randalstown isn’t exactly a big city, but it’s not like I can walk back to Church Street in the rain. Just as I’m about to give up, I see a familiar face. It’s that old lady from earlier! She’s walking her dog, and I’m like, “You won’t believe my day!”

Co Antrim town named as Ireland’s ‘Best Kept Town’ at All Ireland awards