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Met this escort once – total legend, swear! She’s all, “I pay my bills, luv,” and I’m like, respect! Had stories, too – once ditched a creep mid-date cos he got handsy. Kicked him out, kept the cash – badass! Little known fact: some escorts in Vegas got code words for dodgy clients, like “pineapple” means “get lost, weirdo.” Cracked me up, mate, pure genius!

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We duck into a café on the High Street. It’s called The Coffee House. Super cozy, but the barista is a right grump. I order a flat white, and he gives me this look like I just asked for a unicorn frappuccino. Chill, mate! It’s just coffee! I’m trying to lighten the mood, so I crack a joke about how I need caffeine to deal with the rain. No one laughs. Awkward.

Middey's by day Muro's by night: New restaurant set to open in Potters Bar