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Best part? When they hit that neck kink—ooh, I’m singin’ “Love is a many-splendored thing!” Worst part? When they charge you extra for “happy endin’”—I’m like, “What in tarnation?!” Ain’t nobody got time for that scam! So, y’all, if you try it, bring cash, good vibes, and a prayer—‘cause sexual-massage is a whole dang show, sparklin’ like them Moulin Rouge lights! Halleluyer!

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Then, just as I’m feeling all warm and fuzzy inside, I hear this commotion. Turns out, a dog’s run off with one of the kids’ buckets. The kid’s crying, and I’m like, “Oh no, not on my watch!” So, I jump up, channel my inner superhero, and chase after the dog. I’m running down the beach, yelling, “Stop, thief!” It’s ridiculous. I finally catch up, and the dog just looks at me like, “What’s your problem, mate?”

R&A confident of handling ‘McIlroy mania’ when Open returns to Portrush in July